My Childhood Trauma: How I Didn’t Let It Define Me

 If you have never experienced growing up in a domestic household then let be the one to tell you those memories haunt you into adulthood. Reaching the age of 40 I dig deeper into my inner child and when I say it’s a roller coaster of emotions. At a young age I heard lot going on in our household that my big sister and big brother (stepbrother) tried to protect me from. We lived in a household where there was domestic violence going; at that time I’m not sure what it was called but it scared the heck out of me because my mother was getting her ass beat. It would be arguing, yelling, glass throwing, my mama running screaming stop, walls being punched because my daddy (my stepfather) missed my mama face. I would be so scared that I would get in the bed with my sister and cry and she would cover my ears and rock me to sleep. My sister and I are 10 yrs apart so imagine being a little girl yourself and making sure your little sister is protected. 

 I could remember us (my mama, my sister and I) sneaking out the house while my daddy was passed out from being so intoxicated to go to my grandparents house for the night. I would see her trying to cover up her face because of the knot on her head and swollen eyes from crying and being hit; I just looked in disbelief on what was happening but I knew it wasn’t right and I was scared.

 Sometimes the fights would get bad my sister would runaway to her grandparents (her father’s parents house) and I would be left all alone; so my mama would take me to my auntie house ( my stepfather’s sister). It use to be fun to go over there but things changed and I dreaded going over there, let alone spending the night. It started when I was like 5 years old, her body odor made my stomach turn. My female cousin would take my hand and make me touch her private part as she touched mine, or she would get on top of me and bump her private part on mine. This became a habit every time I spent the night over my there. I would take a bath and I always had her odor stuck in my nose.  To make matters worse male cousins and an uncle started to fondle on me as well. I had a cousin who actually would insert himself inside me. What I thought was suppose to be precious was taken away from me at a young age. This type of behavior went on until I was 12 years old  and all I did was pray it would stop. 

 As I got older, I learn how to block things out and put them in the back if my mind. I felt like something was wrong with me and often would question was this happening to all girls, nope just me. I built a wall of protection for myself. I never thought these things that happened to me would lead to other things happening to. From the age 15-25 years old made me feel like all someone ever wants from me was my body so, why not use my body and get what I want in some cases. I became a teen mother at 16 years old by an older guy, I was scared to tell my family who my daughter's father was because he and his family was close with my family. I didn't want to get anyone in trouble so I keep what happen to me to myself for 8 years. Not wanting to admit that you have been raped (shaking as I type this) or allowed someone to harm you. I was scared to share that with anyone; I was scared to admit to myself that's what happen to me and I won't be able to hide this from anyone for long. I lived life to the fullest but some way some how my trauma triggered me which in turn I would drink, smoke, have sex to ease my pain. I was lost within myself. I dated or entertain guys I knew were no good but I was coming from a hurt place it felt good at the time. Yes, I grow up in church and I still maintain a sense of spirituality but I was broken and no one knew or seen it because I would laugh and continue on with life. 

 No matter what I have experienced throughout my life I remain humble and thankful to the most high that through it all I am still here. Being a "teen mom", a "home-wrecker", or "hoe" were all statistical labels that I was called, they don't think I heard them but I did. I had something to prove, so I had to excel in my collegiate and professional career. That drive to show that being a teen mother shouldn't stop you from reaching your best potential. It took me over three months to write about this specific topic. Tapping into my traumas and facing them head on is a path that I didn't want to go on years back but now I am tapping in and staying in until I faced them all; I don't know how long it will take but tapping out is not an option at this point in my life.

 Childhood traumas are difficult to face but with God, therapy and support from love ones you can tap in and face them head on. It may be a journey but as long as you are willing to tap in and trust the process your trauma will not define you.

Trust the process!!! Tap In-Don't Tap Out

Have you dealt with your childhood trauma?

What would you say to your younger self?

Are you ready for this Milk & Honey...

She-Me-Her at 40… Which one are you or are you all 3!!!