LOOKING BACK :Through The Lens

 As I lay here 3 days before my hip replacement surgery, I will be 40 in 8 months and I begin to look back over my life I began to think things over (verse from my favorite song “I’ve Got A Testimony”). I have experience some tough obstacles that I can truly say I have overcame with therapy and the love of my supportive and loving wife Angie, children, family and friends.

I became a teenage single mother at 15 years old and had to make the best life for my daughter while dealing with the death of  my grandfather whom passed literal days after I gave birth to my oldest daughter and finding my Papa (my mama’s fiancé) OD in the back of his limo. They were big supporters and I felt my world was lost. Not everyone supported me but I had to say to  HELL with them and make it work the best way I thought I knew how. I had to grow up fast because I had this little person depending on ME!!! Realizing that it was my baby and I against the world, I did any and everything to make sure I was there for her the way I felt a mother should. I graduated high school and went to community college not by choice but by default. (That’s a whole story within itself).

As life was LIFING (new generation terminology) the remainder of my teenage years and twenties, I was definitely wild and lived MY BEST LIFE…I encountered some highs and lows, I had some dangerous situations were I thought I wasn’t going to make out of alive but I was covered by GOD I tell you. Fast forward to year 2010 I had a major car accident that almost took my life, I only came out with a broke ankle bone. The accident was caused by an ex of mine whom tried to kill me because I didn’t want to be with him anymore and he felt if he couldn’t have me no one else could. That was the most toxic relationship I had every been in so, not even realizing during that time it was toxic (I now know any sign of toxicity I’m out).

On the road to recovery and learning how to walk again, I thought I learned my lesson from dealing with toxic relationships I went out with my friends and met this guy whom was older but seem cool. Well to my surprise, I thought it was a breath of fresh air OH BOY was I wrong.. LOL. This dude here I can just say is a special case, that’s all I will say, the only wonderful thing from that relationship was my second daughter whom was born in 2012. Being 28 years old at the top of my game, a college graduate and now in grad school and now a mother of 2 girls I had some evaluating to do, I endured some things during that pregnancy and relationship that no woman should EVER experience. But N-E-WAY, I thought this baby girl would change things in the relationship-WRONG- Shhhh got real. After having a complicated delivery, I had to get the news that my baby had to go to NICU and would have to leave my baby due to her having trouble breathing.  Those was some of the hardest days but they got even tougher when we found out why she wouldn’t stop crying: she had been diagnosed with Sickle Cell Anemia Disease and had experience pain from shoulder dystopia (this occurs when one or both of the baby’s shoulders get stuck in the birth canal during childbirth). I never left my baby side but had I know I would have to do it by myself again I would’ve done things differently. 

Like every other woman who thinks a baby would make a man do right, I thought the same thing… Shhhh, it got weird this dude whom I thought was on the right track, started to go left. I was at my Auntie house (my rock) with this crying baby not knowing what to do to help her calm down and crying to myself that this relationship is over. In my Auntie’s voice “Baby you have to what’s best for you and your girls, you have to make a plan and keep it sexy”. Let Me Tell You I did just that, I found a place for my babies and I, it was just a matter of time that I was going to make my exit. I will never forget Dec 2012 when I packed up my kids and my stuff and was out, PEACE✌🏾

This new chapters of my life (late 20s/early 30s) it was like it’s my world, you better get in tune. Dating please, I didn’t really trust NO man, besides my suga daddy that had been around since 2006 (another story to share LOL) but I did my thing, because I was YSF (Young, Single & Fabulous), I was definitely feeling like I was in my Prime.. LOL

Then, I had met this guy in whom I thought, well showed me a different person than he lead off to be. I had gone 2 years in this relationship and half way through found out I was pregnant with my third child, this time around I was happy because he was there in every way I thought a father should be during pregnancy and he was happy. Honey, let me tell you this, everything maybe sweet but it definitely can turn out to be bitter. When you ignore the Red Flags they will definitely bit you in the A$$. Just know this was by far the most embarrassing and disrespectful relationships I had EVER been in (definitely have to write a book about this one). Before my happily ever after could really begin-that dream (I thought I had my future husband and 3 kids, house with picket fence) was crushed tremendously. Now, 6 month after my third child was born I’m back at square one; thinking of a master plan on how to get out of this house before someone end up in jail (ME) and missing (him). The disrespect, lying and cheating had gotten to the all time high and if I hadn’t listened to a wish man’s words “he’s not worth it, you have way too much to lose". I listened and packed up my kids and my stuff and was out!!! 

We now moved into our new place we had to call home. I went into a dark depression, felt like I wasn’t enough, like this was my karma from all the situations I had with encounter over the years were I know it wasn’t right but I still made decisions to do what was wrong. I never wanted my girls to see me like this so I put on a smile for them but when I was alone I would cry myself to sleep. It took me a year  to get out the funk of self-doubt, depression and feeling like I didn’t deserve love.

 So, while at the bar with my sis, I made a statement like “Girl  I’m getting a girlfriend maybe it would work out differently”. Well I did just that but having this girlfriend would come with it own set of challenges. She was married and I didn’t care. All that I just went through I didn’t care who would get hurt by my choice. This romance went on for months before the cat was out of the bag and it was time to end it. Just know that the statement Hurt People, Hurt People is real. I didn’t care who, what, when I wanted things my way and that’s it. I didn’t care who was hurt. I knew the role I played in that situation and it was coming from a bad place. That I had to ask for forgiveness. Then, I started dating another female who let’s just say didn’t make the cut, that sent me to a place I didn’t want to be in (binge drinking and partying once again) so I took a trip to visit my sister in Colorado to refocus and reset myself. 

Now, let’s rewind it back, I know you may ask when did this chick began to like women. Well I had my fair share of experiences with women-some may say I was a bisexual but I never liked being put in a box. I liked who liked me and liked back, if being young came with instructions...LOL ;It was hard to tell my family because being apart of a Christian family it would be UnGodly… So, LOL that’s that… 

Are you ready for this Milk & Honey...

She-Me-Her at 40… Which one are you or are you all 3!!!